When we have relationship problems, when our relationships are in trouble, many of us have a habit of waiting for the other person to go first.

That puts the other person in charge of the relationship AND the relationship problems. Is that what you really want to do?

Working with people in conflict, both at work and at home, I see this all the time. The hue and cry is:

“If only he/she/they would ….”

So, is that other he, she or they really the one in control, the one who alone can change the circumstance, condition or situation? Is he, she or they in charge of your relationship problems?  I don’t think so. But it’s convenient to keep it in that compartment! Then, you don’t have to do anything.

A vicious circle, as you see. I can go on blaming the other person, making them wrong and justifying my behavior because I’m waiting for them to go first.  We use phrases like:

“If s/he wanted to talk about it, we would talk.”
“It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.”
“They are impossible to talk to, so, I’m not going there.”
“There is nothing to be gained from bringing it up.”
“It will only go from bad to worse if we try to talk.”
“Let’s not air our dirty laundry.”
“I don’t want the hassle.”
“That’s just the way they are.”

What’s interesting about all those phrases is they can be true, or they can be excuses for taking no personal action to move the relationship onto a better footing. It’s important to ask ourselves if we are making excuses—and, by the way, both reasons and excuses have the same dictionary definition, so don’t go there—to avoid taking personal responsibility for the state of the relationship.

WHY DON’T WE MANAGE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS?

There are many reasons why we avoid conflict:

• It scares us.
• We know we don’t have the skills to do it well.
• We have been taught to “be seen and not heard.”
• We have had bad experiences previously.
• We simply don’t care about the relationship.
• We are better at justifying our position when there is no conversation.
• We have other people who think the same way as we do and we want to keep playing on that team.
• We need to think the other person is inferior or wrong so that we can feel superior and right.
• We would have to acknowledge change, and denial would be difficult to maintain.

If your relationship is flagging, festering or floundering, are you waiting for the other person to go first?  It might be time to wake up and smell the herbal tea, to step up and take the bull by the horns, or, to, at least, open the conversation and find out what’s possible. And, if you cannot find solutions to relationship problems alone, it is wise to use mediation services.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, is a peace catalyst and relationship mediator.  She makes it easier for her clients—individuals, couples and teams—to talk about difficult things. Dr. Shaler is a catalyst for resolving relationship issues healthily and recovering from relationship issues wisely, at home and at work. She is an expert in communication, conflict management and collaboration.  Well-known for her gentle, effective blend of humor and practical wisdom, Dr. Shaler shares her insights on finding solutions to relationship problems as a mediator, consultant, counselor, coach and keynote speaker.  Author of more than a dozen books and audio programs,  Dr. Shaler is the founder of Sow Peace™ International and ADR at Work. in San Diego, CA. You can download her free e-book,  receive notice of her blog postings and learn more  at SowPeace.com and  ADRatWork.com

Follow her on LinkedIn: http://linkedin.com/in/rhobertashaler